2 Years

It's been 2 years. 

Lots of things changed, status/views and thoughts about things/that love-hate feeling etc.. 

But, it still seems like it was only yesterday thing. 

Why is it that the feeling is still so strong.. I have been pondering over it from the day we met again till then.. 

To be frank, I have never ever imagine that we would meet again although I always had that scene in mind.. Neither did I ever imagine that we are able to sit down and have chats that has endless topic.. 

Chatting about the past.. The silly choices that we made.. The silly things that we did.. The sweet moments.. The hurdles we went through.. The suffocating pain that u experienced.. The heartbroken pain that I experienced.. The similarity of us.. The 夫妻像 that everyone said about us.. The jealousy that people had as they are envious of us.. 

I don't know what will happen if things carry on.. And I do not know if I am able to handle all the external factors around me that keep reminding me that this is unethical.. that this is not suppose to be.. that.. this should stop..

You are happily married,with a wife and 2 adorable kids.. I'm attached to someone who dote on me in his own ways.. which most people around me are envious of because of his action but not me.. that isn't right and I know..  

Was it because of our meeting up that our feelings start to stir up again, or that the fire didn't even extinguish in the first place. It probably was only hidden deep inside our heart and as long as we don't touch it, the fire wouldn't grow.. We both know the answer.. 

Logical vs Heart.. My logical mind told me that I shouldn't and that I should cut the contact to the minimum.. but........ My heart refuse to do so.. it beg to differ from that.. that heartache feeling always happen when I choose to follow my logical mind.. the sad feeling of being only just friend to you hurts too.. cause it was never meant to be this way but it became this way.. and we can only choose to accept it regardless of whether we want or not.. Either way I choose, it hurts.. 

Being strong too long is tiring.. I portray to everyone that it's simple and easy for me to let go.. but deep down, I know it isn't.. Perhaps at times, it is easy.. at times, it isn't.. It's just that contradicting.. 

I probably just need a break from everything and the 2 guys in my life to get a clearer mind and to know what I really want.. 

But, I do not regret that fact that we met back again.. you made me realise that marriage is just a part and parcel of life.. Not only marriage, but also other things.. and I really cherish those moments that are spend together although I do not express it out..

I just need some time to think through..