In the end, you choose to let me go.. And perhaps that's what you wanted all along isn't it.. Than why do you want me to hang on when you know well enough i'm already out of energy.. To continue holding on.. From the start till then, you are only thinking about yourself, yourself and still yourself..
I know very well that i'm the cause of the change in you.. but you are the one who cause things up till this state now.. Till the state that you yourself do not know how to settle and using the excuse of TIME.. using the excuses of slowly.. using excuses after excuses to cover all your actions and thus you chose the easier way out.. Easier cause you do not need to rebuild anything.. Easier cause you haven't destroy anything.. Easier cause the other party is giving in more than you are.. Easier cause things are going your way.. Easier cause you have the final say in things.. Easier cause you are in control.. Well then, if you find it happier over there.. I will gladly let go.. Not because I don't love you anymore.. but rather.. because i love you too much.. to the extent that i feel i'm not me anymore.. to the extent that i believe everything that you say although i have doubts in it.. to the extent that i stop contacting guys for the sake of your security..
There was once when someone asked me.. what would i do if my bf have an affair.. At that point of time.. I answered without thinking that i will definitely ditch him and end things.. But look what happen now... Not only did i not ditch you.. I even believed that you will be back to me after all your sweet talk.. How naive can i be.. Not only did you broke the trust i gave u once, twice, thrice BUT umpteen times.. I can't even count it adding up my fingers and toes.. But still, i choose to believe you.. and once again.. you broke it without thinking.. haas..
At times, i really wonder.. Am i really that important to you.. Do i really matter to you.. And i concluded.. I'm not.. Time and time again.. you proven that to me with your actions.. I really wished and i really believed that i mean alot to you cause you said so.. and i feel so.. but your actions always prove otherwise.. I tried very hard to believe that all those isn't true.. but i failed.. cause as a matter of fact.. It's just what things are as it is.. No doubts about that..
Upon saying so much.. I know it doesn't make any sense to you at all.. and it forever won't.. cause you just want things your way.. the best of both world.. you don't want to end up empty handed.. you just want to cling on to either side.. whichever side doesn't matter to you.. cause you just needed somebody who needs you.. but is that true love you are talking about?. The need to be needed.. to make you feel that you are worth?.. make you feel that you are loved?.. Make you feel that you are in a relationship with someone?..
You wanted me to prove with actions that i need you badly.. HOW TO when i ain't your GF.. How am i suppose to treat the other party as INVISIBLE when she's not?!.. I can't.. not that i don't want to.. How am i suppose to need you badly when you are other people's BF.. Don't bullshit to me that you are not.. cause officially you are.. Stop living in your own world.. It doesn't mean that when you choose to not see things, things aren't there.. It's still there.. VISIBLE to everyone.. n yea.. at this point of time, i guess you will be thinking it's our relationship.. our world.. why bother abt ppl opinion.. N yea.. i did mention to you before that there isn't a need to be bothered abt what other ppl say cause it's only us.. this logic can only be use when it's things are between us.. TWO not THREE..
Mmh.. I do have many thoughts running through my mind.. but to blog it all in isn't possible.. there's just too many things and it's all jumbled up.. Even my current post are all jumbled up contents.. And.. there isn't any need to further elaborate the situations/scenario over again..
Nothing i say now make any sense to you nor will it have any impact on you as you only wants your way and any other ways is forcing things down your throat.. thus i shall not do that to you anymore..
But..
I still miss you every moment ..
I still think about the happy moments that we had..
I still miss the way how you acted like a little boy in front of me..
I still miss the way how anxious you are whenever i am angry..
I still miss the way how you always suppress your own anger and coax me even when i'm in the wrong..
I still miss the way you hug me..
I still miss the way you are jealous when i'm close with guys..
I still miss that i'm your top priority always..
I still miss the way you say that i'm stupid cause i can't catch anything..
I still miss the silly face you give everytime you meet me cause you are happy..
I still miss how you always give in to me no matter how ridiculous or unreasonable i am..
I still miss how gay you can be whenever you wanted me to give in to you..
I still miss how you always hold me close to you and tell me you love me..
I still miss how you will appear as fast as a superman infront of my house doorstep when you know i needed you..
I still miss the way you make the effort to take a cab down to my house just to make sure i'm alright after a quarrel with you..
I still miss the way you make the effort to take a cab down to my house just to see me for that little while..
I still miss the way how we bicker..
I still miss the way how you always told me not to ever leave you..
I still miss the way how you treated me like a princess and tolerated all my princess temper without any grumbles..
I still miss the way how people are envious of us..
I still miss everything about us..
most importantly..
I miss the you who were mine..
And..
It's all gone..
Thus let this be the last post about us.. Be it good or bad..
From there on, we will be going our separate ways..
Rebuild yourself soon and stay blissful..
